Within our group of friends, my husband and I where the
second couple to have a child. Almost a year down the track, I can now look in
such a short period and see how much my friendships have changed, particularly
with my child-free friends. I may not have realized it right away but it’s definitely
happened.
Where there’s any big life change whether its marriage, big
move, or a switch in jobs friendships can be impacted. But there’s something
about having kids that adds little extra something to the equation. Sometimes it can be good, other times not so
much. But what I’ve found to be true both for myself and from talking to
friends is that most friendships post baby follow the same pattern:
- Pregnancy: when you’re pregnant with your first, it can all feel a bit surreal. You can’t get drunk every weekend, but you make the best designated driver, so it’s all good. While you can be a bit preoccupied with what’s to come, there’s no actual baby to take care of yet, so there’s still plenty of time for friends and their lives.
- Newborn: So much is involved in taking care of a newborn it can quickly take over all aspects of your life. You might not realize how far down the baby hole you’ve fallen. Everything seems to be about the baby, mostly because it is. You’re up all hours, doing what feels like a billion more loads of laundry, changing nappies, dealing with postpartum hormones, and marveling over this little creature that came out of your body. Your exhausted and can’t muster up any will to go out! Soon your friends stop inviting you to things since you can’t make it anyways.
This period of parenting can be
simultaneously wonderful and isolating as hell. Child-free friends don’t want
to always talk about the baby (totally understandable!!). But since he or she
has been the focus of your recent life, it can be hard to think of anything
else to discuss, especially on a sleep-deprived brain. Once your back to catching more sleep and the
newborn fog has lifted, you should be able to talk about more than just your
baby. Your friends will appreciate you for it!
Having a child changes your life in major ways. That’s obvious.
But one thing you might not expect, or totally be prepared for is how having a
baby will influence your friendships, especially those friends who may not be
in the same life stage. After all your mind is focused on things like nappies,
strollers, and that tiny wonderful creature you are desperately trying to keep
alive. Meanwhile, your friends still have time to binge-watch an entire season
of Pretty Little Liars in one sitting or meeting up for bottomless brunch and
not worrying about when your baby will need his or her next sleep or when they
need to be fed!
Having a baby has taught me that not all friendships, even
long-term ones are supposed to be forever. Not all friendships are healthy for
me.
Some friends are only meant to be in your life for a period
of time, and once you have children and your perspective and priorities change,
those old friends and their values or priorities don’t necessarily match yours
anymore.
For a friendship to work, there must be some give and take,
and we need to show interest in each other’s lives. The difficulty comes when
we have a baby because while we still understand our friend’s life, they can no
longer understand ours. This is the most common reasons for a friendship
breakup after a baby. It stems from us not having as much time to invest in our
friends and not being as interested in their issues or events as we once were.
Im not saying that there is definitive end of relationships,
and when those child free friends eventually go down the path of having kids I
hope they see things from my perspective and come back into my life.
Although some of my friendships have drifted away I’ve also
made some amazing new friendships with some amazing ladies who are going down
the same life path as me and those friendships I will cherish forever.
